The Middle-of-the-Night Voice

Has anyone figured out a way to make your middle-of-the-night voice show up in the day time, you know, when it might actually be helpful? You know what I mean by middle-of-the-night voice? Which I'm going to call the MNV because that's already become a headache to write out. It's that voice that comes to you in the middle of the night when you're just a little bit awake after maybe turning from your right side to your left or after your kidneys came a'knockin' at 3:00 a.m. and you've just settled back in but haven't fallen asleep. This is when the past day's events seep back into your fuzzy mind, reminding you usually not about the happy-go-lucky times but rather the stressful, more unfortunate times. Because that's how minds work: just when you are ready to fall asleep and forget the day's worries, it slams you with the crap you really would like to forget.

But here's the kicker: as you think over the events that didn't go swimmingly and the horrible way you handled a situation, your MNV kicks in and serves up the perfect response, the one you should've given whoever you tangled with. And it's good, too, this MNV. It's very clever, very cunning, very "you ain't got no response to this." Right?

Like, lets say you had a little run in with the gal who's always using your coffee mug at work and then putting it in the sink unwashed, where it sits, taunting you with cooties you know aren't yours that the cooty-owner didn't even have the courtesy to clean off. Yesterday, you walked up just as she put the cooty cup in the sink. Caught: red-handed. And now, it's your chance to clarify a few things about personal effects and respecting others' stuff. Yeah, that's right. She needs to know it's rude to use others' things and then, to boot, not even wash it when done. Uh huh. You go on wit'cha bad self. So what'd you say when given this opportune chance to set her straight? "That's my cup."

Stunning.

And she said: "So?" You: Well, it's rude to use it because it's mine and then you don't even wash it either. And what'd she say? "Whatever." And walked away, leaving you and your cooty cup alone by the sink.

But after switching from left to right at 3:00, you begin to rehash this event. And your MNV gives a much more appropriate ending: "Whatever?" you call after her, making her stop and turn around. You walk toward her, slowly. "Whatever? No. I don't think so. The next time I see you using my cup, you'll find something of your own missing and it'll be more valuable than a cup," you say in a low voice no one else can hear, narrowing your eyes so you look just a little crazy. "Whatever that!" Bam! Nice.

Or maybe your girlfriend dumped you, saying it's because she needs her space but you know it's really because she's eyeballing her neighbor. "I just feel closed in and emotionally encumbered," she tells you. "Well, give me a call sometime," you utter, shocked by her audacity to lie and unable to think straight. Cue 3:00 a.m. and your MNV says: "You are breaking up with me?! Well," you snort, "good luck seeing how long the stud next door puts up with your whining, your unrealistic demand for constant ego-stroking, and your ridiculous mood swings. Oh, and your legs do look fat in those shorty shorts."

Wow, your MNV is mean. But oh the satisfaction of picturing the scene the way it should've gone. If only that MNV would pipe up before the incident rather than after because nothing trumps a MNV response. Now you and your smug satisfaction, go back to sleep.

Wait, one more thing! Will you be at Mid-America this week? Stop and say hello, would ya? Booth 69067.