Rules for the Gym Locker Room

Why is it that all sense of propriety goes out the window in a public gym locker room? Where are these people coming from who think the locker room is the place to bare it all? "Go naked or go home" is clearly the motto...if you're over 60 years old or 300 pounds. Since no one else strutting their stuff in the nude is under 60 or under 300 pounds, do they think it's a club to which only their elite can be part of? And what about other general, keep your nudity to yourself standards that seem to be exempt in this place?

My husband and I were chatting about this the other day after he returned from a gym visit that offered up some particularly attractive sights post-workout. And by attractive, I mean scary-ugly. John and his bad back have decided to give the steam room a whirl after working out--loosen the muscles, sweat out the bad stuff. And there is a sign that specifically states you are supposed to wear a towel in the sauna. For women, I've never known this to be a problem. Everyone discretely wraps a towel around themselves, doing the little tuck-in number at the top to hold it in place.

For the men's sauna, the sign is evidently more necessary--No junk flop allowed--but also apparently given little regard by these naked anarchists. (Screw the establishment!) And what you end up with are guys who go in, sit down and just drape the towel over themselves. Ok, so you're not exposing all your glory to the world (or, you know, the sauna crowd) but what about the nudie parts that are on the bench with no protective towel keeping the creepy crawleys from going into unpleasant places? If you're not concerned about what you might be leaving behind for the next guy who sits down, at least think about what you might be picking up from the dude before you. Penicillin shot, anyone?

Inside the sauna, it is appropriate to be dressed in only your skin (with the appropriately wrapped towel, thank you) but outside the sauna, I've got news for the birthday suit-wearing folks cruising the locker room sinks and counters. You're putting on a show no one wants to see.

To the guys reading this, thinking: wait, I wouldn't mind seeing that show in the female version. Trust me, you don't. Because we're not talking the old movie scenes (think: Porky's and other Oscar-worthy classics) where beautiful chicks walk around in panties alone (or even panty-less, if you were lucky) in the ladies locker room. Yeah, that doesn't happen. If you were to cut a hole in the wall of my gym, oh you'd see nudity and plenty of it. But it'd be of the Sharpei-variety as opposed to the Greyhound-variety, if you catch my drift. The old gals do love to show off what life has done to their wizened bodies. It's quite the sight. Just not one you'd want to see and I wish they'd realize the rest of us women do not care to see it either.

In the men's room, I'm told that the same problem exists but rather than age being the requisite for baring it all, weight is. You have to have 40+ inches around the waistline to qualify and a hefty shoulder to hold the towel that's slung over it, mocking everyone who walks by because it isn't where it should be: around the owner's waist. Shaving, blow-drying hair, brushing teeth...all done gloriously naked with a pot belly offering up not quite enough party hat to cover the clown below.

If you're one who thought this was a great club you'd earned admission to through the consumption of extra calories or the passing of many years, please stop. Go screw some other establishment but the rest of us at the gym ask that you please adhere to the rules: No Junk Flop Allowed.