A Tragic Loss, A Lesson to Learn

While you hope that most weekends are full of goings-on that you want to remember and cherish, this past weekend was a memorable one for me but in a very sad way. Mid-day Friday I received an email from one of my son's lacrosse coaches, delivering news that you hope you never receive. A lacrosse player who came up through our Junior program and now in 9th grade took his life the night before. It was a boy who'd been well known and well loved. There are no words to sum up the shock of the news.

As I digested what had happened, I remembered a college professor who was once disecting a poem about death, and he astounded us all by proclaiming death was not the worst thing that could happen in life. In fact, there was something far worse than death. What could that be, he asked us? The room was silent. Far worse than death, he revealed, was dealing with the death of a child. In comparison, it would actually be far easier to simply succomb to death yourself than to have to continue your life without a child that you created and loved more than life itself but could not save.

He was right; I've never forgotten it.

Will was a boy I only knew of through his younger brother--a friend, a classmate and an occasional teammate of Chase's. I know his parents since Chase's friend has spent time at our house and Chase at theirs. I know them also from games, seeing them on the sidelines and in the stands because they are extremely active and involved parents with each of their four children--Will having been the oldest. While I certainly don't have a close relationship with the parents, what I know of them from being around them and with them in various locations with our kids and kids' friends, what I know of them from mutual adult friends, they were a great family--good, athletic, outgoing kids; involved, hard-working, supportive parents. They attended a local church in town. Chase's friend is extremely well liked by his peers and from what I now know, his older brother Will was easily as well-liked. He was an athlete who had played multiple sports throughout his life, and he was a musician who played in the school band as well as his own personal band comprised of friends. His types of friends varied--his reach stetched beyond only one group of kids. And he had a way with them all--being a naturally quiet and reserved boy who was genuinely friendly with everyone, understanding and helpful when needed.

While it is always stunning to learn that a person was so tormented and unhappy that they chose to end their life, it is even more so when it's a child who hasn't even begun to live their life yet. And then even more so to know it was a child who--on the surface--appeared well-rounded, healthy, and happy, full of friends, activities and promise. Cleary, there were deeper issues going on but it is beyond heartbreaking trying to figure out why he didn't feel like he could turn to someone for help.

It's been tough for everyone to comprehend Will's actions, especially the younger kids--his own siblings, his fellow high school students, Chase's group of middle school friends who all know the younger brother and therefore knew or at least knew OF Will. And I cannot fathom what his mother and father are coping with. As a mother, I am devastated for them--for their loss, for their attempt to now understand a son who had more going on than they realized...amazing, considering how involved and interactive they were with him.

Saturday night, a candlelight memorial service was held for Will at the high school stadium; hundreds and hundreds of people whom he touched in some way showed up to pay tribute to the friend and loved one now gone. Today is Will's funeral, and there continues to be a sadness and a heaviness in the community for a lost boy and a good family. His parents have three additional children to care for and they displayed their strength of character again by showing up to support the younger boys' sports activities over the weekend. And I'm in awe. All I can think is that, in their shoes, I'd have withered and died myself. I literally don't know how you carry on after the loss of a child. But they are already showing that they will carry on for their other children. They're already talking to their kids and their kids' friends about coping with difficulties--that everyone deals with issues and there is a right way to get through them: by being unafraid to reach out for help.

No matter how sure you are that your own child knows you're there for him/her, that there's no need to ever struggle alone, that they can talk to you anytime about anything, tell them again. Make sure they know you love them no matter what, that you know what being a kid is like and that life growing up isn't always easy but it's always worth it.