Wearing Pants Instead of Pearls

My friend Lori gave me a great compliment one time: "In my next life," she told me, "I'm coming back as a dog in your house." I'm flattered, but it got me thinking: What if you did get to come back and live a different life? I know what I'd come back as, but it's not a dog. I'd come during the 1950s. Only, it wouldn't be as me. It'd be as a corporate-level, white man in the 1950s.

That's right. Gotta be male; gotta be white; gotta be in that decade. Why? I'd have it made.

After hearing rave reviews about a show on AMC called "Mad Men," I decided to try an episode as it was beginning its third season this year. I guess I've had my head in the sand because I hadn't even heard of it until this year but the show has already won an Emmy for Best Drama. Clearly, it's good, and clearly, it hasn't been hurting for fans, sans me.

So the hubby and I tuned in, thinking maybe we could just pick up who is who and what's happened already. Not so much. The show was looking pretty awesome...the characters, the dynamics, the raciness...but we were lost because obviously much has happened with the characters before now. So on the recommendation of a cousin, we went back to the beginning and have been watching the first season on DVD. Wow. I love this show. It's set in 1960 and surrounds the lives of men who work in the advertising industry on Madison Avenue. Hence the slang term "Mad Men," a term they coined for themselves.

And while the drama of it is spectacular, what I have realized is that living during that time as a white man would have been heaven. Living as a black man or--heaven forbid--a woman would've stunk.

Sure, men had to be the sole bread winners but I've never minded working so that's hardly a drawback. Speaking of work, downsides: a suit and tie daily and every flippin' body smoking constantly. Upsides: being an esteemed member of a clearly male dominated environment, a personal secretary to do all the grunt work, and daily booze consumption.

If Take Two of my life were during the '50s, my office would be like everyone else's: sporting a tumbler of preferred alcohol and a set of glasses. I'd look forward to meetings that boasted cocktails to better ease through them (who couldn't use that today, huh?). My secretary would handle the grunt office work, my personal errands and even hang up my coat and hat, even though I walk right by the coat rack myself. After a tough day of meetings and boozing at the office, maybe I'd go out with the guys and not bother calling home to say where I was, or I'd come on home to dinner on the table, prepared and set up by a cute wife in a dress, heels and pearls, who would then clean up the kitchen afterwards while I relaxed. She wouldn't question a thing I do or where I've been. Yes, what a life.

The worst thing to come back as? The wife in this scenario. Check this out: a page from an actual 1954 Home Economics school book detailing how to be a Good Wife.

HOW TO BE A GOOD WIFE
Home Economics High School Text Book, 1954

Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. This is a way of letting him know that you have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal are part of the warm welcome needed.

Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you'll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your makeup, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a lift.

Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the home just before your husband arrives, gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a lift, too.

Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children's hands and faces (if they are small), comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the part.

Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be glad he is home.

Some don'ts: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and unwind.

Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

Make the evening his. Never complain if he does not take you out to dinner or to other places of entertainment. Instead, try to understand his world of strain and pressure, his need to be home and relax.

The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Now, that's some good stuff there. I actually laugh out loud reading those.

Yeah, living life, round 2? 1950s here I come, as long as I'm wearing pants instead of pearls.