What Not To Do on a Hot Summer Day

Things not to do in the deep south, when it's nearly 100 degrees and about 90% humidity:

Run a marathon
Have a camp fire
Go to Six Flags

Guess which I did today? Three days ago, while sitting in my comfy air-conditioned house, my friend Tracy asked if Chase and I would like to join her and her two sons at Six Flags this weekend. In the air-conditioned house, the idea sounded great. When she told me she had coupons (gotta have the coups) to get us in for $10 each, even better.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, a voice said: "Are you serious? In 100 degree heat?" But as is far too common, I squelched that voice of reason, telling myself that roller coasters offer lots of wind that is refreshingly cooling. And while this is true, the total 3 minutes that we spent on actual wind-refreshing rides wasn't quite enough to offset the hours spent in absolute broiling heat.

We arrived and hit the first roller coaster we saw, the Georgia Cyclone. This rickety piece of wooden thrills is an old fave of mine. And the line took a mere 20 minutes to get to the front. 20 minutes of me regaling the three boys with my work experience at Six Flags. It was my first job (the ugly truth comes out: I'm a carnie. Don't judge me; I gave up velcro shoes a long time ago). 20 minutes of standing in line and spinning carnie tales, and I was sweating like I'd just stepped out of a sauna. Not pretty.

And look, friends, I am not a sweater. And by sweater, I don't mean a piece of clothing, obviously. I'm not someone who sweats a lot. No Sweaty-McSweats-a-lot here. But today if you'd seen me, you'd be calling me a Bald-Faced Liar. Wow, it was a whole new level of H-O-T. So by the time we got to the actual ride, I couldn't wait. Here it is, I thought, the cooling portion of the day. And for the next 30 seconds, the breeze was heavenly but unfortunately the ride was excruciating. I'm not a fraidy-cat and love a good coaster. But this beast made me feel like my insides had been shaken up like a martini. What the hell? Are the weather worn tracks atop wooden slats covered in peeling paint advertising the coaster's age just that beaten up now or did I get old? Yeah, I agree--it's the former.

We proceeded to the Log Ride, Mindbender, Highland Swings, and Batman Ride. By the time we got through those, I looked like a hussie at a wet t-shirt contest. We decided to trudge our way to Thunder River, hoping for a cool splash off. The splash off became a soak down since I ended up in the wettest seat on the ride and was drowned from head to toe; it was excellent.

The last couple hours of Six Flags heaven were spent in the water park, Skull Island. Thank God for this gem. Too bad it's in the very back of the park but beggars can't be choosers. On our way out, Chase coerced me out of $2 to play the basketball game, which I spent 15 minutes telling him was a colossal waste of money. What's th' boy go and do? Sink his first shot and earn himself a Duke basketball. The show-off.

Great to spend the day with my favorite 11 year old and good friends. But lord, we gotta find something a little less sweaty to do next time.